It has been revealed that President Trump has informed The First Family that the reason for all his multi-billion dollar deals with foreign countries is that he has very inside information that an alien race is offering a few very rich Earthlings safe travel before the impending intergalactic apocalypse in one of their space pods. Price per ticket? One trillion dollars.
With one wife and 5 children, that’s a whopping 7 trillion Dollars, if he includes himself. Assuming he wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about his in-laws, it may be safe to guess Trump would spoil a trill on one or all of his 9 grandchildren. Either that, or the aliens in question – the Dioximotos of Andromeda – are of the eating children genus; then it could turn out to be another Saudi deal for the great negotiator. Said Trump to our imbedded Larf investigative reporter:
“Look. The fake news will portray this as me using the world and copping out of my responsibility. One liberal fake news organization compared my plan to save my family to ‘just another Stormy Daniels’. The nerve. I’m gonna outlaw satire. If I ever get back to Earth; which I won’t, I guarantee you, because it will be destroyed by then. The Democrats. They destroyed the Earth.”
For years there were high level rumors that the Secret Government has been communicating with an alien race who’ve been supplying us with both scientific and what one top brain at MIT called “beyond science devices” which have allowed very successful secret experiments in the massive fields of time travel, sub-nuclear energy, as well as bitching up the food supply with vegan goldfish; the idea being that though they are in fact fish, they are genetically restructured and classified as vegan.
A Real Space Force
High Priest & President of the Almighty Dioximotos Union of States Canning Mortinger-inger-Clyde-Sub-Bracket-Whoop-Whoop! said today:
“We come in peace. But we basically had to Uber to get here and there’s only so much room.”
When asked why an alien would even want Earth-bound currency, which is supposedly useless on other planets, Canning was, well, uncanny:
“What we do is once we get the cash, we transfer it to our interstellar accounts and they do the conversion into Cheese Bits, our national currency. It’s not the same thing . Cheese. Cheese means ‘energy’ in Dioximotosian.”
When I pressed further about the nature of the impending world apocalypse, President Mortinger-Inger-Clyde-Sub-Bracket-Whoop-Whoop! said:
“I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you. It will happen so fast and from my understanding, most Earthlings are religious, especially these days.”
I thanked the alien president.
“My pleasure. Oh, and, by the way?”
“Your president is a moron.”
From the home front, this is Steven Alan Green reporting. 10/23/18