Commenting on the tragedy at the Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburg, where 11 people were killed and numerous others severely injured by a mad gunman, Hyrum Moskowitz, the head of the International Jewish Church and Devil Worshiping Fellowship, admitted that it was in fact the Jews who planned the attack on themselves as a false flag and it was all funded by Nazi money.
“We’ve got a problem,” a very solemn Moskowitz expounded. “We can talk all we want about our past suffering by Nazi Germany and before that by the Pharaohs of Egypt, but with social media these days, ya really need something special to spark things up every once in a while.”
He went on to explain that the only way to keep Jewish suffering alive is for Jews to suffer and in order for that to be “holy in the eyes of G-D”, there has to be – and I quote: “Social media bloodshed”. Moskowitz went on to explain about the victims.
Not “real Jews”
“The actual deaths today at the Synagogue were not – how should I put this to be gentle….. They were not ‘real Jews’.”
Immediately pressing him for a clear explanation, he clarified.
“These were worshipers, but they were not devout. Not devout enough. What a lot of people don’t realize is that the Jewish people keep score on who’s a Jew and how much of a Jew they are. These were so-called ‘Liberal Jews’ who had already offended G-D for not showing up at temple and not keeping a Kosher household. They were expendable.”
Moskowitz further explained that the entire operation was indeed a false flag which was funded by Neo-Nazi groups and with full knowledge and approval of Trump. The Nazi’s – apparently – fund all sorts of events at the Synagogue, including its annual Purim carnival as well as its “Passover for Pacifists” annual Seder.
“The Nazi’s are our friends. Without them we wouldn’t exist and vice versa. We’re one big worldwide community and the Van Nuys Off-Ramps look forward to beating the Glendale Jackboots in the upcoming amateur league baseball tourney.”
I, for one, will sit that contest out.
For Larf Magazine, this has been Steven Alan Green. Oct. 27, 2018
This article is pure satire meant to highlight the hypoCRAZY of the powers that be and is protected under The First Amendment.
It has been revealed that President Trump has informed The First Family that the reason for all his multi-billion dollar deals with foreign countries is that he has very inside information that an alien race is offering a few very rich Earthlings safe travel before the impending intergalactic apocalypse in one of their space pods. Price per ticket? One trillion dollars.
With one wife and 5 children, that’s a whopping 7 trillion Dollars, if he includes himself. Assuming he wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about his in-laws, it may be safe to guess Trump would spoil a trill on one or all of his 9 grandchildren. Either that, or the aliens in question – the Dioximotos of Andromeda – are of the eating children genus; then it could turn out to be another Saudi deal for the great negotiator. Said Trump to our imbedded Larf investigative reporter:
“Look. The fake news will portray this as me using the world and copping out of my responsibility. One liberal fake news organization compared my plan to save my family to ‘just another Stormy Daniels’. The nerve. I’m gonna outlaw satire. If I ever get back to Earth; which I won’t, I guarantee you, because it will be destroyed by then. The Democrats. They destroyed the Earth.”
For years there were high level rumors that the Secret Government has been communicating with an alien race who’ve been supplying us with both scientific and what one top brain at MIT called “beyond science devices” which have allowed very successful secret experiments in the massive fields of time travel, sub-nuclear energy, as well as bitching up the food supply with vegan goldfish; the idea being that though they are in fact fish, they are genetically restructured and classified as vegan.
A Real Space Force
High Priest & President of the Almighty Dioximotos Union of States Canning Mortinger-inger-Clyde-Sub-Bracket-Whoop-Whoop! said today:
“We come in peace. But we basically had to Uber to get here and there’s only so much room.”
When asked why an alien would even want Earth-bound currency, which is supposedly useless on other planets, Canning was, well, uncanny:
“What we do is once we get the cash, we transfer it to our interstellar accounts and they do the conversion into Cheese Bits, our national currency. It’s not the same thing . Cheese. Cheese means ‘energy’ in Dioximotosian.”
When I pressed further about the nature of the impending world apocalypse, President Mortinger-Inger-Clyde-Sub-Bracket-Whoop-Whoop! said:
“I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you. It will happen so fast and from my understanding, most Earthlings are religious, especially these days.”
I thanked the alien president.
“My pleasure. Oh, and, by the way?”
“Your president is a moron.”
From the home front, this is Steven Alan Green reporting. 10/23/18